Devious Journal Entry

So the truth is iv not been doing so well....

Iv been struggling for my whole life with depression witch has finally cort up with me as im getting older, and i realy want to open up in the hope maybe others who have similar issues might not feel alone!!! because although this is a constant battle, im determined to win in the end and learn to live my life with love and hope!!

These are little stories from my past and may be embellished as alote of it happened when i was young. so just try and see it from a child's perspective. but also these are not stories so please be kind!

On that note iv heard that the best place to begin, is at the beginning.

I remember being young and happy, loving my family and friends, long days with my farther watching vintage films and him telling me "if anything ever happens to you i couldn't carry on.." i remember the family home with a big open fire and a beautiful garden that i would pretend was my kingdom and me the most powerful knight! I also remember that when  was 6 i whet to the park with my grandfather and had my first panic attack. and i remember that when i was 8 i ran to my mother crying because i didn't understand why i had an uncontrollable urge to stab myself with a pare of scissors for the first time.

from a young age i have had tow sides to myself, one being fun loving and happy. and the other being scared and lonely. 

I would like to say that in the beginning i had a simple and happy life. but these illnesses do not discriminate and no matter how many people asked me "how can someone so young have so many problems? you should be happy!" i did not recover.
so please if you meet someone whos life is happy on the outside, but they say they are sad on the inside. try to understand that it can be just as painful.

This being said i will admit that as i got older my life did change and become darker and this did make my condition alote worse.
Following the death of my grandfather who was the most stable man in the world, and the devorse of my parents witch i fully supported when i was 9 years of age, my mother become an alcoholic and we lost the family home. she barley allowed my farther near and told him we had no many and he was the reason why. so he took a job working away tow weeks at a time and trying desperately to build a custody case to save me.

We were going to move and i thought is was the biggest adventure!! i was ready to leave!! the house was TINY!! but i didnt care, it was cold but i dint care! i would make the best of it. for my mother.

the drinking got worse and we had no money for food. i tried to tell my farther but she was so angry she stopped the phone called, telling him she needed more and it was his folt we had no food. she told me if i told anyone "they" would take me away and id never see them again.

The drinking got worse and she started getting paranoid, no one could know. all men are predictors. dont tell you friends whats happening. dont talk to anyone. she started going out all night or passing out in the living room. i stopped going to school. i was scared of the monsters outside weighting to take me away. 
She started getting angry, whenever i did get to see my farther she would say she didn't want me. 

so i got lonely. no use to anyone. not wanted. not loved. just a burden on her parents and costing money they didn have. i was alone so often locked in that house. day in and day out. so why not end it? right? why not just walk over to that window and thow yourself out? 

One reason. the only reason. "if anything ever happened to you i couldn't carry on..." 

My farther. he was alone to. he needed me. i had to try for him. i have to save my mother and and be their for my farther! 

so i pulled through, every breath, every step, ever word. i clung on to life...

this is only a very brief overview of  this in my past and i will elaborate on some of the things that whent on some day.

as i got older i had to move on. my dad re married and i was alone again. have you seen that episode of Naruto? like ep 18? wer haku talks about how he feels like a `broken tool` a `blunted weapon` `no use to anyone` , well i resonated with that so much! it was like someone finally understood how i felt! and i fell in love with anime.and haku is still my fav character of all time!!

having to learn to live for myself was the hardest thing iv ever had to do. my whole childhood more or less i had been hungry, alone and isolated and i dddnt care because my life diddnt mater as far as i was concerned, i lived for someone precious to me, and that made me strong.

now for the first time i had to look out for myself and respect myself, i cant even tell you how lost i was. i was highly suicidal and crazy as hell, it took a long time for me to learn that this was a selfish kind of love for someone. a dependent love that hinged on me feeling like i had a purpose. it wasn't fair to me or my farther and i needed to move on and get a life of my own.

years on i have finally learned that lesson and have a life and a fiance who i love with all my heart and know i could live without. i just dont want to. and thats a real love. a love that isnt because i need him to feel useful but because i love him and he builds me up as an individual and loves the person i have become.


regardless, i cant stop my old coping mechanisms. i get what i can only describe as PTSD and brake down at normal day to day situation, i dont know how to cope with them so i panic and cry and scream. i cant think and feel taken over by someone i new when i was very young. a little girl whos terrified of being left in the house alone again.
Other times i cant feel anything. i go  numb and feel no emotion.

Iv worked hard my whole adult life but i lost my job last year and have been unable to go back. some weeks i feel fine but others i cant even be left alone im so unstable. 

so im trying hard to focus on my art and open up! im being tested for bi polar disorder soon and wanted to share this with people and from now on i will share what i go though , im hoping i can provide support for others who might have gone through/ are going though a similar situation  because nothing ever made me feel better than feeling like someone some were got what i was going through.

i know lots of other have been though so much worse and im grateful for my life and the people around me, but if you have ever felt alone and gone through anxiety or depression for any reason, you deserve love and respect just like everyone eles and i feel we should share our love and our stories because it connects us as human beings.

so if you about to try med, see a doctor/therapist/counsellor/psychologist, if you struggling with bad thoughts and feelings it ok cuz wel get through this together!!! ^^

Seek help and take care of yourself, because you deserve it!!


And out of curiosity dose anyone elles have a character that they  feel a connection with?? maybe they helped you through hard time??